On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
i just google searched 'can you pop your ovary'
Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
You were so drunk that you were trying to take pictures of a MILF at the park so you could send them to Adam, but you didn't want to "seem creepy," so you used taking pictures of her son as a cover. Needless to say, cops were called.
Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
His mom walked into the kitchen smiling, made a scotch on the rocks, hit my bong, and told us goodnight enthusiastically. He's suddenly more appealing to me.
noooo, I woke up on his pack porch and the SUN WAS RISING. I saw red lights everywhere and heard sirens so I just ran for my life.
Wearing scrubs to buy plan b so I look like I have my life together.
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
Back at condo with chick. What is the condom situation urgent response needed
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
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