i jus seen this fat chick walk buy look like she had don king coming out her arm pits..
you win again, gameday.
i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
You threw up in a Dixie cup last night. Oddly, you just gained major points in my book for that.
I think she's a little more wasted than usual. She just crawled on the floor to tell mom it was time to take a shot.
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
And then he said he would build me a mountain dew water fountain
Marry him now.
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
Have you picked out a bathroom stall in which to fuck? Since you've got all this free time before her plane lands...
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
I asked Tony because I knew he wouldn't give me a lecture about consequences
???? Tony IS a lecture about consequences
Grandpa just whipped it out and started pissing on the way to the game stuck in traffic. I saw EVERYTHING. :(
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
Randomize
