Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
It was like if Side-show Bob had a vagina for a mouth
the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
Can't talk right now. I'm doing tequila shots with my professor at some Mexican bar. That's how I prepare for finals.
He insists on falling asleep with his penis between my buttcheeks. He says its his "home".
I just want to be able to run around naked and eat grass with no judgments and have people feed me and expect me to sleep all the time.
I warned you. Don't come crying to me when your vagina refuses to forgive you for this.
Fuck you fireball...just straight up fuck out of here
i just realized... if i ever hook up with someone on my bed, we'll be fucking atop my animated batman themed bedset.
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
He stopped in the middle of us fucking so he could turn on lithuanian techno music. And the sad thing is that it was the best sex of my life.
We had a pink drink in honor of my underwear and apparently I made out with our bartender... a few times
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