When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
I don't have enough holes for all these australians
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
i told you the emergency thong was a good idea.
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
Was rudely woken up by strangers at 4:15am. I was leaning against the stoplight at 9th
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
Nothing says "back to school" like walking in the first day with a hangover
Randomize
