running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
I didn't take her seriously until she snorted that ramen noodle flavor packet...
The fact that you think you peed off a roof shows you shouldn't have been on a roof.
I'm never waking up next to someone after sex again. It's alllll downhill from there.
Toilet is so comfy. Serious question/why does weed make every surface feel like bed?
He was sucking my nipples then stopped, looked me dead in the eyes and said "im gonna cum for my babygirl"
She poured beer through the deck into the hot tub. She called it a deck shot. It was horrifying but super awesome at the same time.
I just windexed my mirror headboard, Lets get to work.
I sang "A Whole New World" while I took his virginity
That is awesome that you did that.
I have what looks like a rubber stamp mark on my cock from last night that says "Magic Marla Approved" Do we know a Marla?
State dependent memory. I just needed to feel my teeth. It was like a fog was lifted.
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
THAT'S NOT NICE
NEITHER WAS PROMISING NOT TO TAKE MY SISTER'S VIRGINITY, THEN PROMPTLY DOING SO
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
Randomize
