Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
I told him that he is like a snow storm I never know when he is coming, how many inches I will get, or how long it will last
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
And to add, there was a fat guy right next to me who, when the girls would shake their butts, he would let out a shrill xena warrior princess cheer
They just keep looking funny at me. No one has attempted to tell me that I don't make sense though so maybe they're all way more high than I am.
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
This snow needs to melt so I can get wasted on someones front lawn
You invented a drink at the bar and named it Boner Soup. It was like an even trashier version of a long island iced tea
She was about to leave with you until you started singing "You Hoes Ain't Loyal" in her face
Adulthood is making your own puke bucket.
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
My ultimate hope is that people will hug me, smell me, and therefore think I'm classy.
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
I teamed up with my vagina. I compromised his morals and then she corrupted him for good. It’s been a very successful and slutty partnership
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