She was not exactly lady-like. Down there.
It's Friday. Sex?
so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
I thought he was joking about bailing you out until I saw the picture of you and the sheep in the morning paper. Were those my boots you had on it
Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
Just because I tried to backhand you with a fist full of cash does not make me violent
Not sure how ur night is going, but unless u also saw a naked drunk chick pissing outside i doubt it can top mine
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
Oh goddamn. That a super downer Tuesday reality right there. Just hit me with the cold, hard, nasty facts.
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
Alas, I cannot find a male suitor sharing my affinity for sport culture who will both manhandle me and treat me with the respect a young Hillary supporter wants and deserves
He fucked the hangover right out of me. That good.
Someone sitting next to me at this football game is totally eating chicken nuggets out of his pocket and drinking four loko. I wanna be him.
Randomize
