fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
He came through my line today and bought designer impostor perfume, just for men gel, and astroglide. I almost DIED.
Its already bleeding so dont be alarmed after you bite it
just to let you know, its not cheating if i cant feel my hands.
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
He was trying to be aggressive in bed, but in reality, it was like watching a declawed cat try to climb a curtain. They WANT it, they just can't DO it.
I was about to attempt a citizen's arrest on my RA
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
Miscalculate d the jungle juice, it's actually 10%. Can't taste the diff anyway but my stomcha is warm. Come play pongm.
He's thawing a cheesecake on his stomach. We're that high.
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
AND HOLY SHIT FLUBBER IS ON NETFLIX
And as the acid sets in, he looks back at the shallow form he used to call his and whispers "3 pee pees strong"
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
Wow i just puked in front of the lady that was drug testing me. I passed though!
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