So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
I would do things to you that would get us burned at the stake if we lived in a puritan village.
Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
If your pregnant with his baby maybe we can start getting weed for free.
he was holding his dick in one hand and my boob in the other and i looked down and thought, this is my life
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
I don't care if there's a party or not. I just want to be half naked in a cape with a never-ending supply of alcohol within arm's length at all times. Make it happen.
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
It's called the dick transitive property. It states if you touch a person whilst they touch a dick, you are also touching said dick.
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
Just had sex in the room next to my parents. Heading back to school ASAP.
This is Ryan, Kristin's husband. I don't know if you meant to send that pic to me at 3am. You may want to call Kristin. Neat piercing though.
Randomize
