Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
If it wasnt for meatballs I would have fucking killed myself already.
she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
he accidentally used the toothbrush i use to induce my bulemia...i feel like this is something he shouldnt find out...
I just bought a CD. I feel like a traitor to my generation.
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
I'm not sure what step "make amends" is, but my phone is on
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
Orientation leader success, day 1: incoming freshman just ate out his first sorority girl. I gave him a 7/10.
please let it be arousing that I used numbers to figure out how well I'd give you head
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
Randomize
