They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
as i creep her facebook pics from back in the day till now, i noticed that her lazy eye has gotten better
smoking a bowl while I'm peeing. i love having a big dick.
Did you know you could bring s cooler of beer to the nail salon?
Lots of alcohol last night skiing this morning = me throwing up off chairlift
Post walk of shame: realized the underwear I put on when I left was another girl's underwear.... woof
Why do I have a bunch of cash....and your bra.
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
I just gargled with NyQuil
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
Only true party girls take their birth control with Smirnoff.
I don't wanna see it, I don't wanna touch it, I just want it in me.
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
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