I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
There's nothing like puking in the airport on the way TO Vegas. Something tells me i pregamed a little too hard.
Teasing with taco bell is not funny. High or sober.
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
Any clothing i put on is too many clothes.
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
I think having a vagina should be considered a skill, give me a break.
I don't listen when you talk. I just try to find new creative ways to get you to send me naked pictures.
Do you rver get that feeling like their are poprocks filling ur boday?
I can not be a lesbian living on Beaverland.
Well I had to use a seat cushion at Soul Cycle today so, yeah, I'd say the sex was good
At the light, his mom pulled up next to us while I was giving him road head. He forgot to tell me she was meeting us at the movie. So long story short, I convinced her I drove myself, pick me up in 20.
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
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