Plan B is the new Plan A
just apologized to a random stranger while waiting in line for coffee. last night was that drunk
We Started drinking at 8am and left the bar around 11pm....I hate ALL green things
I need to start giving them away because owning 20 dildos is never going to get me a boyfriend.
He started crying and showing me pictures of his ex. she was really pretty. It's an honor to have shared a penis with her.
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
I'm looking for mother nature. And when I find her, I'm looking her right in the eyes and telling her to fuck off.
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
i don't know what body building stuff he's on, but his cum is basically a 5 hour energy shot.
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
Sexting just isn't as much fun once you learn how bad he is in bed...
OH MY GOD YOU GUYS I JUST FOUND OUT I HAD PHONE SEX THE OTHER NIGHT
Randomize
