I feel like I'm in dance class right now
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
Nah it's cool, I made him pinky promise me he wouldn't die if I left him passed out in the bathroom.
Handjob with gloves on results in friction burn. In case you've ever wondered
he busted in while i was showering looked at me and said "youve lost weight bro, no homo" and started puking into the sink
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
I threw up off of your balcony and it must have been loud because the dog downstairs went insane.
Watching a guy masturbate in real time is a lot less theatrical than porn had me to believe.
He puked in the middle of it and I still wasn't disappointed.
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
You ran out of his house yelling "I got the goods!" Then you pulled toilet paper rolls out from under your shirt.
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
Randomize
