omg so im topless lying on my bed and i forgot my nail clippers are on my bed and i just leaned forward and the nail clipper closed. on my nipple. ouch
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
I just won't go as hard tonight. Four dollar ladies night drink or drown is not a good idea for me. I like to get my money's worth.
He is eating chips off the floor in the emergency room..
I vaguely remember you trying to make me a casserole with marshmallows and a can of beer.
You played "let it burn" by usher 28 times, knocked over the 36 gallon fish tank, and passed out in the kitchen. Yeah...That drunk.
Good news! I don't have Hep C! Better news! I still hate you!
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
We're having play-off hate sex for a sport I don't even understand. Go USA!
He is a beautiful butterfly covered in tattoos and naked.
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
Dude I love you. So much. Thank u. I'm safea. In allysi lns car. Mine towed. If u loved me ud leand me 500 in the morning. Sleep on it nd let me know.
you tried to make the parrot smoke your joint
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