never trust anyone who drives a pt cruiser.... write that down
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
They need a stunt cock, be about 20 more minutes.
How sad is it that I'm looking in the farm & garden section of craigslist to find a weed dealer. I mean, that's where they'd be right? Just gotta break the code.
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
I just want to fuck you then discuss implications of our existence afterwards. Then Doritos and hot tub.
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
Sadly he is straight as an arrow that is designed by a robot computer from the future with lasers.
This saddens me. Mostly because I want to see the schematics on that robot.
You came running into my room at 4 in the morning yelling "SANCTUARY!" and flung yourself into bed.
Hmmm, sounds like a Jaeger night then. Did I at least get to be the little spoon?
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
Wall of shame with a backpack full of beer bottles, cowboy hat in hand, and a handlebar mustache. I was applauded by a passing car
So I totally had sex In a teepee last night at that wedding reception.
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
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