so he stopped for a second, looked up at me and said in a really creepy voice, "I can has cheeseburger?" and then went back to eating me out.
I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
Peanut butter while high is kinda stressful
Your scrotum should have touched every square inch of that place by now. Start with the water fountain.
Worst relationship ever. Keep in mind I've dated two married chicks and a Mormon.
he described going down on me as being like 'entering a jungle of deliciousness and fur
I seriously just found a rose petal in my vagina.
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
I have vodka and 50 pizza rolls best spring break ever
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
We can use the Mac n cheese as the potatoes in our breakfast burritos. Problem solved.
It was just another case of she fell in love I fell asleep.
Randomize
