I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
you had a panic attack, pissed yourself, and started crying. you never go above the kiddie level of my lil bros schools haunted house ever again.
round 2?
EVER.
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
so I woke up without pants, but my cardigan was still on and fully buttoned. curious.
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
He has a lot of emotional energy invested in your vagina.
Is that a polar bear? You seriously grinded with a polar bear at the club?
He simply fell in the fire, rolled out and continued to finish his bottle of vodka. Everyone else instantly sobered up just watching it.
Sup man, did you have a 3way this month if so it would be 3 for 3 for the house
Let's say hypothetically if you were going to put icing on a penis and then lick it clean...what would you ice it with? Not a knife right?
Life is when you're laying naked in bed, eating Double Stuff Oreos with your boyfriend, blazed as fuck. Happy 4/20.
Good friends chat about sex - great friends ask about safe words.
People like you and me aren't meant to go this long without having sex
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
Randomize
