i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
I just puked in the walgreens aisle buying gatorade and advil for my hangover... i guess i failed
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
The night went downhill when he lit her purse on fire and tried putting it out with vodka
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
If its possible to have a hickey on your nipple, I have one. Thank you.
he was like "can i get a kiss" and i was like "can i get a taco"
Sorry for yelling at you, I'm just really emotional about missing comicon.
So I just went to clothing optional bar
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
Why are there four guys spooning on the living room floor?
They're still there? Shit. They were supposed to leave after they hugged it out.
Sometimes I wish I could tell all my past/present hookups what the nicknames that my friends and I have assigned them.
Randomize
