I pretty much can't stop smiling when I talk to you. Even when you talk about disease and infectious diarrhea.
When she said "surprise me" I'm positive she didn't mean "bang my roommate"
Prob not but she was surprised
Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
halloween costumes for girls are easy, slutty teacher, slutty cop, slutty nurse, etc...
exactly, that's why i want something interesting
slutty neuroscientist?
Also I just saw on facebook your sister is taking pole dancing lessons. Just a heads up.
Sorry for eating those cheese fries out of your hands last night
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
seriously the second he called my tits warlocks was the second I knew I wasn't going to fuck him.
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
I broke another vibrator the other day. Abstinence is not for me.
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
Randomize