I had a disgustingly explicit dream last night involving myself and lil wayne.
I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
How, after 24 years of life, did I manage to revisit breastmilk
maybe all of them together would equal one normal sized dick.
In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
I bet a guy could be masturbating under the table now and people would just think he was clapping along.
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
Just to give you a heads up, I am going home with your ex-boyfriend.... You can't be mad because he was my ex-boyfriend first
We've completely outdone ourselves. We packaged a collective total of six grams of pot and salvia into little bowl-sized tinfoil capsules. It's totally impossible to tell which is which without comparing, every Friday from now on we pick one out and see what the fuck happens
The realization of how permanent those tattoos really were set in this morning... I am SO sorry.
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
I've officially done it all, fucked a girl wearing a twister board. ABC parties are amazing!
You told me "I need to pound this drinks if I'm going to pretend his dick is big enough" then left. Dollar night quotes 2012
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
Randomize
