he would probably call me "ma'am" when he's inside me. people love saying weird shit inside me.
you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
tailgaiting my last final, a perfect sendoff.
using the left over highlighters from the blacklight party to study for finals. feeling the need to write insert penis here on my econ notes.
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
I need you to stand in the corner and ref this threesome. Wear stripes.
I definitely hasselhoffed a taco bell burrito on my kitchen floor in front of my dad and little brother.
just walked past the recycling bin in class, there's keystone cans in it. go cougs.
we couldn't find any funnels so we taped a spaghetti strainer to a pool noodle and it worked fairly well
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
I managed all three standard threesome configurations a female-bodied person can achieve in just under nine years. I want to high-five everyone involved, but I've lost touch with a couple of them
How have you been? I haven’t talked to you since you dyed your pubes.
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