I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
I think im in love with that girl with the googlie eyes last night. She was looking in my eyes and at my dick at the same time. we are going out again tonight.
I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
Hey man, sorry I chased you around the house with a small table.
Was I shouting at a fire engine last Friday?
FACT: the parking lot attendant was yelling "NO SEX HERE! NO SEX" at yall.
I rarely go in there. Unless it's for mini cadbury eggs and whiskey.
he just used "boss" and "boner" in the same sentence. I cant respond.
I'm trying to make a sex playlist
record yourself crying and put it on a loop.
I feel like I just tasted lung cancer.
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
For the sake of being nice I congratulated her and she replied with something along the lines of that I need to stay away from him and not touch him ever. I really wanted to be like "been there, done that" but my New Years resolution was to not start any cat fight over boys with small dicks before noon
the walk of shame isn't very shameful when your mom tells you she's proud of you.
I got so tired of my roommates fucking in the tub I took a shit in it. Surprise!
You did an excessive amount of blow and then screamed "WHO THE FUCK NEEDS A LADDER?!" And then Mario style wall-jumped onto the roof. It was one of the most impressive things I've ever seen.
Randomize
