Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
by "whatever happens, happens" i meant "we are totally hooking up again on tuesday." i thought that was obvious.
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
i would like you to please flash back to us blacked out in the bathroom when you told me i needed to take one for the team and have a threesome with you and jon to help your relationship. you then told me you had no issue putting ghb in my drink to make it happen.
Why am I getting texts saying are you ready for this butthole? Help
Ahh, 151. Think of it this way: it took one shot to get you buzzed, I took eight. I may or may not have broken a tv with my skull that night and met someone's parents naked and hungover the next morning.
you said I shouldn't try to fill the void in my meaningless life with dicks but i am trying and it totally works
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
I know this is super early in advance but can I borrow your horse mask on 4/20
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
I haven't gotten this high alone in a long time. I keep looking at the cat waiting for her to say something.
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
Randomize