Come back if u want to. I'll do some dirty shit to u mamacita.
hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
She is definitely tripolar. Like bipolar but better/worse.
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
I need to stop ravaging the freshman dorm like a virginity-snatching dragon.
He finally left. I didn't introduce him to the roommate. The sex is bad. I don't want him to feel welcome
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
We still getting married? Or were you day drinking
Just because I'm asexual doesn't mean I can't have a revenge fuck.
Randomize
