im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
I just got a facebook invite to join a group called "bring back the old franzia spout." i never want our generation to grow up.
Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.
Remember the girl passed out in front of my fireplace?
If you have shit your pants within the past two years, please take a seat.
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
I was in a penguin suit. Dick out. I am confident in the value of my pic.
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
my roommate woke me up with head. more awkward than it sounds.
If all that ever happens between us is orgasms and dank memes, I think I'd be okay with that.
I don't need romance, I need cheese sticks
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Randomize
