Aren't I supposed to sit on your face?
So I feel really bad about last night...can i give you a blow job and we call it even?
So my professor just changed my Final to 7:45am on May 6th. Shouldn't a Spanish professor understand the implications of Cinco de Mayo???
He just yelled in the bar, "So I stuck it in two girls butts, why are you bringing that up now?"
Why does it always end up with me crying in my car.
There's always the 'not have sex with the drunk girl I just met at some party' option.
That was the plan but Tequila showed up at the party too.
Don't remember shit. It was only until I saw the glaze on my forearm that I knew you drove to get donuts last night. I also spent 20$ there apparently
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
Thanks for bringing that stuff to help me feel better...you know, the water, the Gatorade, and the dick. You really are the best friend ever.
I don't trust my subconscious. It sleeps with my exboyfriend sometimes.
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
Randomize
