He told me he loved me mid lick. Anyone that can look at me from that angle, lick my vagina, and say they love me must absolutely mean it
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
Well, there are worse ways to make $50 at a gay club.
Quite frankly, I consider the fact that I'm NOT pregnant one of my greatest achievements and I'd like to chronicle that ongoing success. I'm going to post pictures of me at "0 weeks" once a week.
Woah there. I lasted a semester and a fourth of college not having sex. trust me when i say keeping my virginity was an obstacle course of olympic proportions.
The virgin olympics. I would win the gold. For America.
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
I knew it would be a shit show so I just went ahead and took plan b before I even got there. How's that for responsible?
I told you he wasn't attractive.
Do you think I cared? I was wiping myself with a scarf..
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
Should I be scared that after we hooked up she took antibiotics with Sailor Jerry's?!
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
So it turns out that a Ford Focus does not fit in a Walmart cart return.
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
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