My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
Do you remember that blonde girl he brought home from the bar on Friday night? She didn't leave until Monday afternoon. We didn't even know she was still in his room...what a sketchy weekend.
One night stand. Woke up at her dad's house. She already left for work. Shit's about to go down.
She kept saying how cute and adorable I was. I felt like a care bear getting a blowjob
I swear she's a drunk klepto...by the end of the night she had stolen 3 bowling balls. HOW DO YOU STEAL 3 BOWLING BALLS?
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
I'm covered in glow paint and I can't find my shirt. So, successful night
I achieved the level of drunk I wanted even with the length of dress I was in..
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
yeah, i thought because of the nature of his job he would have been better at it, but i guess there's a difference between a bagpipe and vagina
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
Just showered and cleaned every bit of sex off of me cuz i have a feelin my stepmom has jesus powers and would be able to smell it on me
Randomize
