What a fucking waste of an outfit
I couldn't even finish, she was lounder and more annoying than DJ Khaled
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
Finals drinking + forgeting you had to take your ambien because you work at 6am mid paper= drunk logic which then entails going on a "detox" run. Puking your guts put in the field house bushes while some random guy says to you "its okay. We're marching on."
I now have a other guy willing to drive 3 hours for my vagina. At my next gyno appointment I'm asking her if there's cocaine in there.
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
Also he said my vagina was sculpted by gods so there must be some feelings here.
we need to tell them stories about when happens when we're sober so they think they know what they're in for when they're actually completely unprepared for whn happens when we get drunk
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
Its nights like last night that make me want to high five my liver.
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
You know he wants it bad when he starts going door to door for condoms.
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