doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
You realize it's finals week?
Ya that's the school's fault. St. Patrick's day came first.
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
This is the second time in a week I've woken up with your bra in my bed and I've had to sit and think about how it happened.
When's a good time to tell your boyfriend you've slept with his ex girlfriend?
His reasoning for leaving the keys in the ignition of my car overnight with the top down in an open parking lot ? Too eager to have sex. The sex was not that good for him to do this twice....
I feel as if we moved beyond the hook up stage when she blew me as I drunkenly finished my chicken nuggets.
I saw a classic trojan enz laying on his desk. So he's probably not into the kinky shit.
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
you know you're in deep when you watch fear and loathing in las vegas and every damn scene is relatable.
You made noises. And kept meowing. I have a twenty minute phone call to prove it.
All I wanted was a good weekend full of booze, laughs, and maybe some penis. Instead, someone is in the hospital, I didn't sleep at all last night. And not because I got laid.
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
Randomize
