I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
He shouted my World of Warcraft name while we were having sex, and he was sober.
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
I shouldn't have had sex with her. I feel that I may have opened a pandora's vagina
We asked "Is that Andy puking in the bushes, its 7 AM" he looks up and goes "It's okay guys, its 7:30"
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
So I saw the nuva ring just lying on the counter at Planned Parenthood...did u know it's just a ring? I could go to the Dollar tree buy a plastic bracelet and shove it up there instead.
You do that. Then go have lots of unprotected with your harem of booty calls and see how that works out for you.
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
The guy who was The Count on Sesame Street died this week too. Therefore, you should take multiple shots, count them, & go "ahh aaahh aaaahhh" after each one. I expect video...
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
Oh hell no my vagina is on that screenshot
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
Of course he’s dumb. He’s got a 9 inch dick! There’s not enough blood in his body for a big dick and a big brain. It’s science
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