ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
i havent had this much fun since the last time i farted and it created a boner.
just chased whiskey with a pickle. i definitely recommend it
she wrote "need hug!" on a sticky note, put it on her back, and passed out on his bed. they're trying to figure out how she got into his room...
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
I'm challenging a 70 yr old alcoholic woman who is half my size tonight. Wish me luck
I don't know what he did to me, but he did it wrong. I think my pelvis is broken. I cant even drive without it hurting. What. The. Fuck.
So I'm thinking that so long as I have this piercing, I'm going to get tested for explosives at the airport
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
Thank god I didn't get free from the hospital restraints. I wouldent have lasted long drunk, startled and in an ass-less gown In D.C.
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
You kept ranting how Captain Planet is getting shortchanged in the superhero department. Other than that you kept it together
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
Randomize
