Heyy I kind of wanted to apologize and excuse myself for last night. I feel like that was a little much. I just met you. That's why I don't like tequila. Haha
ur dog is so gonna tell on us one day.
for doing what?
for smoking bowls out on the deck while your parents aren't home.
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
I just remember being in the bathroom alone cussing out the bunny
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
He offered to buy me free breakfast if I stayed at the hotel overnight with him. I then realized they have a complimentary breakfast.
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
Smoked a joint with mom, best Thanksgiving ever!
I wanted to give everyone gifts as they left the house... So when your wondering where most of the christmas ornaments are I'm really sorry.
I may have been bent over an elementary school lunch table a few weeks ago. Don't judge.
Like bruh, I’m a free range girlfriend
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
Randomize
