living well may be the best revenge, but it doesn't hurt that my exhusband is now dating a BEAST.
just saw a guy try to order booze in his coffee at 8 am.
i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
My choices this week make me realize that I need to copyright the term "cock buffet"
His whole family saw that I had cum in my hair once they turned on the blacklight at the bowling alley. You should have seen his mother's face.
great! i almost saw a gas station fight, and i believe i became the first person to successfully pee and puke in a bathtub simultaneously
i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
Pretty sure I recall hugging our waiter from the bar last night. That also means we are NEVER going there again
Piñatas plus fireworks don't mix well
either I'm really high or that last bong rip tasted like christmas
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
Woke up with a bed full of sand...care to explain?
Isnt is self explanatory?
Come on baby if you haven't had a Charleston chew eatin out of your ass you just ain't livin right.
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