I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
Every once in a while you'd chuckle to yourself, and when I asked you what's so funny u replied "sometimes my toes tickle eachother"
Blew a line and having a jolly rancher... the day is looking up.
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
You asked me to pick a color between pink and purple, and I said orange; you told me, "okay, that's a truth question". Then you asked if I had ever deep-throated a cupcake...I didn't even know what to say.
Visiting Houston was a good decision for my penis.
What alcohol should i drink Saturday to completely hate life?
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
New drinking game, drink every time Rhianna says "Work" in her new song.
not sure if actually covered in glitter or just drunk
i just went to hell in the tanning bed. i think god is giving me a preview of what is in store if i keep getting drunk everyday.
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
so we’ve decided to fuck for our own health
Randomize
