I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
Thats about the time I should have known you would run around naked and try to make out with my sleeping mother
You put your red cup in a chain link fence and kept telling me you could use it as a telescope
I just heard the term negative masterbation and I don't believe it
It smelled like mall pretzels. Of course I investigated.
The only thing that was weird was that it WASN'T weird when she got out of the shower and saw me blowing him.
No, no. The rest of his everything inspires me to put his dick in my mouth
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
You're lucky you got out when you did, about an hour later the girl in the Franzia box started wrestling everyone.
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
I'm fine with our borderline lesbian behavior.
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
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