I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
you screamed 'he won't go on a date with me, but he gave me a free junior chicken'
well imagine, me dating the manager equals free junior chickens for everyone
Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
Just got back from my 9:00 am class to find my roommate soaking her lifesaver gummies in vodka so she can have them for a snack in class later.
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
guy just got out of the car at the drive in and told his girlfriend "fuck you and your taco" and walked off
Dude when we asked him where he lived all he could tell us was "by the slurpees." That fucked up.
My mouth taste like pussy and my dad noticed. Hahahaha
So I wore a corset to school. Fuck laundry.
There are many penises to be discovered and claimed tonight
We're like Lewis and Clark
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
All I want is a hot dog on a Saturday at 2:19 is that to much to ask?!
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
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