I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
Drunk wheelbarrow races might make the top 10 list of dumb shit weve done. Especially considering all the broken glass around...
he has a puerto rico area code and says his name is johnny cash. extremely suspect
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
We're making a scrapbook of dick pics, you want in or what?
But can mardi gras accurately capture the essence of my tiny rage?
She's seen your dick through your pants. You don't need to ask
Anytime you wish.we are doing double shots in the kitchen,and I drank a beer in the shower,so...the sooner you get here,the sooner you can get on our level.
Ran into my FWB on my walk of shame and went back to her place. Even my walk of shames are awesome!!!
You're like a care bear with a big cock & a sexual prowess that would put the mighty Thor to shame.
Thanks for driving us home last night. Also, blanket apology for anything I may have said/done. I blacked out sometime near the t-shirt cape incident
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