And then I have a slight inkling that I went up to the bar and tried to order the bartender.
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
not sure what to think.... picked her up and her dad says "if you take her home, you'll regret it"
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
I'm on his itunes. He has a sex playlist. It's actually not so much a playlist as 12 Kylie Minogue songs with a big gay Whitney finish.
Ps I don't think it counts as being open minded if you didn't know he was missing a leg until you had already started making out.
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
I'm now drinking beer through a straw. By order of the bartender.
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
This is the third time my roommate and I have drunkenly hooked up. I'm starting to think she's not as straight as she says she is.
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
I'm kinda glad you won't be in Vegas tomorrow because you'd make us go streaking or throw dead animals at them.
IM ON THE WEIRD DRUGS AND I JUST SAW THAT TOM HARDY THING NOW I WANT TO HUMP
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
Randomize
