You're in luck. The brownies don't even have butter, just vege oil
So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
It would be one hovered percent delicioui
She poured a bottle of rum in the champagne fountain, did like 5 jello shots at the same time, then lit herself on fire. Twice. This is how everyone should turn 21.
So I realized I was officially over him when I was getting a lap dance on the keg bus at 3am from his old boss and I was double fisting:)
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
Sometimes you get drunk and fall out of a car. I never said it was glamorous.
I will pee on everything he values.
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
She's the perfect storm of great hair, big boobs, intellectualism, and mild moral ambiguity.
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
How good was the sex? She sent me a fruit basket the next day.
I got the security footage. Thank you boobies!
Does having sex in an airport bathroom with a girl you just met at the bar count as the mile high club? ...no?
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
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