at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
I'm pretty sure my penis yawned halfway through. That loose.
theres a difference between trying to make someone happy and letting them fuck you in the ass
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
Our drug dealer just got busted, wear black tmrw
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
It was weird. Like "Mom, Dad, here's a guy who knows my orgasm face".
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
You know it's going to be a good night when you're barking by 8:20.
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
what do you mean he's functionally heterosexual
The coast is clear - also, would it bother you if I chose not to wear pants?
Drinking wine while working. Yay.
Just had sex at the YMCA.
We are so productive today.
Randomize
