Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
I was totally willing to let her keep giving me blowjobs as long as she didn't think we were in a relationship.
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
I'm scared. I feel like she's my mom and she just walked in on me having sex. Like she's "disappointed"
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
he got promoted. that means i have now given my new boss chlaymida. i need a new job.
Just coat-checked 2 backpacks full of 40's...it was the bouncer's idea.
I'm watching intervention which is getting me psyched for your birthday. Is that wrong?
I'd hate to be 100% hetero. Pretty sure they have less orgies
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
Why are you surprised? I've only ever liked older guys since I was a 3 yr old crushing on her pediatrician.
I just spent the better half of my Friday night alone, naked eating McDonalds. Not my worst start of a new year
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
Just showered and cleaned every bit of sex off of me cuz i have a feelin my stepmom has jesus powers and would be able to smell it on me
Randomize
