You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
isnt it sad that we can reminisce about our childhood but we cant remember shit we did last month
As long as you don't die I'm in full support of your drinking decisions
was it good sex?
i mean it was good for how drunk we were. and for how big the closet was
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
I spiked my fruit smoothie. Taking bikini season diet to a whole new level
And leave it to John to ask the cabby to make a Porno in his cab
i don't know. but im upstairs in the closet with a burger i found in their fridge
The party got busted because you two got caught having sex on the neighbors trampoline, come on man.
Its not the fact that i woke up wearing a tutu that bugs me its the fact that i have 75 photos of me wearing a tutu on facebook
this dude, we had a connection. he kept smiling at me. it's like he knew i was gonna facebook stalk the fuck out of him
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
I need to mount that unicorn and turn him into a full blown steed.
sorry for the random call. He stopped mid-sex because he wanted confirmation that I was really a reverend.
did you just try to prove your straightness by quoting a lady gaga song?
Randomize