my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
dude i feel like shit
well u did eat a lot of play-doh
New Low: Just set a reminder on my phone for me to check on things I need to harvest late on Farmville.
I don't know where I am but there are firefighters
You realize we can hear you jacking off in your room, right?
I like it rough
Just beat my spinning in office chair record. Almost puked. Totally worth it.
It wasn't a threesome, it was me making out with one while looking at the other one screaming "does this make you jealous?"
Is it love? I honestly haven't even thought about watching porn for over a week now, and haven't thought about fucking any strangers either. It's quite eerie.
Or I could just give you a blow job and make it up to you.
No, that's okay. Don't worry about it.
Going once.....twice.........sold to the girl who didn't really wanna do it anyway.
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
You woke up, mumbled something about forgetting to lock the truck at work, slapped my ass, then passed out again...
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
I either have a problem or a really good solution... I just ordered my homecoming dress off of a website that sells forplay outfits.
Randomize
