I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
I was just like staring at the lawn boy while singing "You Belong With Me".
I am the king of creep.
Then all the boys were saying that they were amazed at how much i could smoke...i'm so proud of myself
One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
Be careful down there, Shane may have pooped on the carpet.
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
When i tried to give you something that wasn't tequila...like water....you kept saying it was against your religion.
I've always been the spiritual type.
I want to tell you about my weekend in person so I can see your look of judgement and disgust.
Drunk wheelbarrow races might make the top 10 list of dumb shit weve done. Especially considering all the broken glass around...
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
Get your penis over here NOW. emergency
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
Meh, all I have to do tomorrow is proctor an AP test. No loud noises and no physical activity allowed for almost 4 hours. Sounds like the perfect recovery period for a hangover.
He's teaching me French for free and I'm giving him blowjobs. Win-win.
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