Okay, I have a threesome with foreigners and suddenly I'm a man-whore
Pls tell me she didnt actually sign a nutsack.
If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
I think he finally resigned to the fact he could not get off. He just looked at me and said "I'm having testicle difficulties," rolled over and passed out.
Remembering I sold my brand new Blackberry to a stranger for a few pints = Worst night of my life. Now to work out what I did with my shoes.
I think that the jello shots in bowls is where it all went wrong.
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
Dude, if I don't end up wearing a banana suit in Milwaukee, I will consider that trip a complete failure.
I know this is super early in advance but can I borrow your horse mask on 4/20
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
Would you think less of me if I were eating pizza on the toilet right now?
Yeah, but having a dick this size has ruined 3 marriages.
IT WAS A FUCKING ELEPHANT I SWESR!!!!!
Nathan, I haven't spoken to you in 12 years and it's 6am. Kindly fuck off.
Randomize
