if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
she thought the capital of kansas was topanga.
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
These 5 days benders will be the death of me. Just living and breathing is a struggle right now.
dude, i turned on the light and asked if they were ok and they STILL didn't stop. Most determined sex EVER.
And I kind of want to stare at skinny jonah hill like a weird zoo exhibit lol.
I just got carded by a ten year old.
Her dad high fived me on the way out the door. Not the reaction i expected after she came so loud.
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
A guy just picked up ur brother and carfied him away singing and im slight concern
I mean, I would have, but I couldn't come up with a logical reason to bring up oral sex during an orientation.
I hate the cold months. Everybody starts hibernating and I start talking to guys I would never normally talk to. You have a drug habit and no license? Perfect candidate for a boyfriend...
Man I can't believe I took a huge dump in a public garden
Randomize
