When he took off his pants i accidently shouted "that is one small wiener," and thats when he left
you'd think someone with a dick that small would take what he could get
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
i finally found my car by the hideout. it was parked in an employee only parking space with a torn up piece of paper in the back window with the word employee scribbled on it.
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
I woke up in solitary confinement, wheb they moved me the guy that sold me the pill of Molly at the concert was in the police waiting room, we nodded to each other.
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
If you want me to retract my crazy cat lady comments pictures of yourself dressed as a cat are not the way to do it.
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
whenever i get involved w someone i'm gonna give you their number to testify to the fact that they should not fall in love with me
Lmao a dude who just got out of prison said im worth 10 cigarettes in prison...I think that's a compliment
Can I say it was a great night out of town? Fucking my co-worker in the hotel bed while my best friend is fucking his friend on the floor and a random guy is laying in the other bed meanwhile we are all passing a joint back and forth
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