You just took 4 shots. 2 of them were maple syrup.
I wish i knew how bad drinking and hieghts were before i got up here
Not good, Ive never been this late. We need to talk.
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Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
I think I'm about to have sex with a second person before noon hehehhe! You're welcome America.
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
Have you ever stopped and thought "I do NOT want to be inside of this person right now. Or ever." Because you should.
Can we just talk about how awesome I am. I just slept with a new guy while listening to the previous guys bands cd.
who is the naked dude on the coffee table
thats jeff, jeff is nice so don't be rude
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
We took vodka shots. You kept saying it was the key to your heart.
People like you and me aren't meant to go this long without having sex
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
In any case. I fucked a married couple recently. Know what a straight person would've done there? Been super weirded out by 1/3 of the genitals there, that's what.
Did you happen to find the other half of my bra last night?
Randomize
