You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
dude, never take two tylenol pm and smoke three bowls. i feel like i'm covered in cold ants.
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
A shower wasnt enough to wash off the shame but at least it took care off the blood.
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
Quick question, how many times can you get chlamydia before your vagina just gives up and falls off?
LOVE ME LIKE A KANGARO LOVES A POUCH YOU DUMB CUNT
She's gone now. Left with the wind like a majestic leaf that just rides the invisible current to locations unknown. And dude, her friends were really hot.
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
Stop confusing me with every girl you know that doesn't like sex.
These snow days are takeing a toll on my liver
Randomize
