my vagina is like the nba. its where amazing happens.
If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
See it, we're so close, i smell your vagisil
Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
Please hurry up and come back. This is so awkward. He's showing me banana videos.
He challenged me to a drink off, I couldn't just say no. It was a matter of pride really.
And as he was cursing your name from the bathroom you were ordering yourself another drink on his tab. The poor bastard had no clue you were a pro drunk
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
Just made a bong out of a pineapple. So yes.. And champagne is about to be popped
Is there a polite/non-lush way to ask how alcohol ranks on their list of priorities? Because like idk how to break the ice furreal.
I doubt the gods of funday Sunday would exact such a high price... But it's good to know an afternoon with me is worth a left foot.
Dammit. the window insulation sheets are too small for my windows. Yet again I am disappointed by size
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
So. Much. Porn.
Randomize
