my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
Try to make ecstasy cheese. Capitalize on the molly and greek yogurt trends. MARKETING
He is sitting on the foor in the soup aisle saying "to each their own soup"
Build a thousand brigdes, lick one butthole. What am I remembered for? Buttholelicking.
Can rosie odonnell just not be a lesbian? Shes stressing me out, knowing we bat for the same team.
Xanax and cookies, it's good to be home
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
Lmao a dude who just got out of prison said im worth 10 cigarettes in prison...I think that's a compliment
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
Do you think it would be okay if i cleaned my cartilage piercing with the leftover vodka?
am drunk, naked, and blow drying cat. need adult supervision
I'm a history major and he's the descendant of TWO presidents. Did you really think I wasn't going to sleep with him?
He ate me out for my sailor moon manga and I gave him a blowjob for his Devilman manga. Pretty sweet deal imo
Randomize
