I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
So many people have lost their virginity on my futon... I think it is only the right thing to bronze it and put it on display
Cops do not care. One just laughed and said "precious"
Three people drank on "never have I had sex in a tractor." Iowa at its best?
Apparently we were arguing for captain seats so I shouted "who has your virginity." I got the seat.
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
I managed to make myself a bowl of apple jacks, took one bite and had to stop eating them because they were making my brain wiggle. How was your comedown?
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
for real. if he messaged me that i'd have made his penis cower in a corner.
That's what you get for doing kinky shit with a guy that lives in his moms basement.
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
I shoulda been born a dude. There's too much power in a vagina.
My boobs are hoarders, they steal food and hide it. Greedy bitches.
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
I dont think the chain smoking, tequila shots or cocaine was good for my bronchitis.
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