He finally told me that he's married. I guess it doesn't really matter.
I just almost got out my car and drop kicked this one chick over parking. Welcome to the first day of spring semester.
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
I'll put it this way. My grandkids felt that fuck.
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
I just feel like a little gay dolphin in a massive sea
He's blaming gravity for his problems right now, so put that in perspective
You just said we could build a blanket and pillow "fuck fort." Of course I'm never leaving you.
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
What is she getting? Last time we talked her behavior was conducive to getting a tramp stamp on her face.
And the next morning he asked me why I had clothes on so I said so that he could take them off again.
I can't sleep. My mind keeps asking "turn down for what?" but it won't accept any of my answers.
Definitely didn't just make out with a guy the same height as me just because we wanted to see what it would be like to not have to reach up....
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
I would give away three of my own ribs to be able to eat myself out.
...ew
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