Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
Fat spanish girl grinding against air conditioner. ive seen everything now
she said she was gay. i said prove it. she said "ok i wont fuck you"
The pick up line I used was "Grab my sack, you'll be back." Then I winked at her.
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
It took him three days to realize his roommate had moved out.
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
Cant wait to drunkenly tell by kids that i banged their aunt katie in a weird threesome
holy fuck man...it feels like I got beat the fuck out of by death's baseball bat...chimichangas?
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
Blood work from physical was all good, apparently heavy alcohol use agrees with me
I'm still waiting for God to smite you for impersonating a decent human being.
Why is this not the first time I’ve seen the mugshot of someone I’ve slept with
Randomize