By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
smoked weed with Joakim Noah last night....if he was half as fast to the basket as he is to grab a joint from me we'd have another championship on our hands
tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
Did you leave your blow razor here? I need it for crafts.
sorry for the naked aussie man in your room last night, he got lost on his way to the bathroom
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
He asked me to spit in his mouth. I did. Never let me hook up with this guy again.
You fucked a stripper on your sisters friends blow up mattress. The least you could do is wash the sheets.
I love how when they see that I'm upset their initial response is to offer me ecstasy
She's like the King Midas of sexual confusion. Everything she touches turns to gay.
You are the ghost of drunk bitches past, present, and future.
Randomize
