I just realized last night I drunk-bought a flight to Florida for this weekend...kinda torn between the price and the potential of awesomeness
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
We started a mustache riot at white castle at 4 in the morning. Will explain in detail.
just watched my roommates get stoned and jury rig a pulley system to pass the bowl back and forth across the room.
I woke up at 3am, my head in a toilet, still at the kegger, wearing a random cowboy hat.
He's a forty-something balding gay man with no boundaries or sense of social norms. Of course we should befriend him.
Ginormous penis in the breeze, cumming champagne showers into your eye
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
If I take one more surprise finger up the ass this week there will be hell to pay.
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
alright well you definitely hurt his feelings though you told him he looked like he was going to an Amish community prayer meeting..
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