I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
If you are in NYC and not seeing anyone, you should come fucke me now because:1 i am not in love with you anymore, 2 i am drunk enough where i won't feel the n eed to kisx you awardly to avoid your beard, 3we have unfinished business that i wpn't get -assed unyil orgass have been had, 4 i really really want to
high people should be assigned attendants
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
I blacked out at the bar, and blcked in getting a handjob on a roller coaster. Sober me is jealous of drunk me.
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
Is it a good time to tell him he's getting too clingy if he sent me a picture of my name spelled with Cheerios?
I was at a bus stop, eating a load of bread. Fairly sure I'm the poster child for poor students.
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
him and the cab driver we buy e from got into a fist fight, about which show is better, futurama or family guy.
Last night I went to spank her while she was riding me and sack-tapped myself.
You're seeing with your vagina, not your eyes.
She said it was unconventional for me to yell "Shazam!!" when I came inside her.
You know what else? He didn't even get to see my butt. And my butt is really cute. Car sex is awful.
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
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